April 1, 2000
SAN FRANCISCO, CA. In a stunning development, the Renegades drum and bugle corps announced that they will be tuning their snare drums to Bb. This announcement completely stunned the drum corps community, as no one has actually heard a snare drum with any tone whatsoever since the introduction of the falam drum head in 1987 by the Santa Clara Vanguard.
In a related story, rioting broke out in several small California towns following the Renegades announcement. Several angry residents and drum corps alumni were interviewed as they set police cars on fire, and carried TV sets off into the darkness from the stores they had just looted. “This just ain’t drum corps any more … and we’re gonna make DCI realize that,” exclaimed Bruce Kray, former beadless-maraca player for the Sacramento Mandarins. “Ya! Ya!!” added former Cavalier snare drummer Bor Voltaire, as he rummaged through the stores for another controller for the Sony Playstation he was about to carry off.
Several arrests of notable drum corps figures were also made in the town of Petaluma as they angrily protested the Renegades’ change to Bb snare drums. Madison Scouts’ percussion caption head Jeff Moore was wrestled to the ground after poking a police officer in the eye with his new signature drum stick, and George Hopkins was summarily given a thirty-day jail sentence for high marking time in front of a television reporter who was giving a live report. According to witnesses (and three million viewers), he was wearing nothing but white bucks, a maroon shako and a sign around his neck that said “Death to the Bb Renegades!”
In response to the riots, Brandon Wilson, the Director of the Renegades, issued an emergency statement to be broadcast on all California radio and television stations. In it, he directed any and all participants in the riots to please attend the Renegades’ next rehearsal. “You would be perfect for our corps,” he said. “And bring the Playstation, we’ll put it in the Anti-Pit.”